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TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE,
      THERE WERE EMPTIES AND ASHES, LEFT AROUND BY SOME LOUSE.
AND THE BEST QUART I'D HID BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE,
      HAD BEEN SWIPED BY SOME BUM WHO'D DISCOVERED IT THERE.
MY GUESTS ALL HAD LONG BEEN POURED INTO THERE BEDS,
      TO WAKE IN THE MORNING WITH GOD-AWFUL HEADS.
MY MOUTH FULL OF COTTON HUNG DOWN TO MY LAP,
      BECAUSE I WAS DYING FOR ONE MORE NIGHTCAP.



WHEN THROUGH THE NORTH WINDOW THERE CAME SUCH A SMELL,
      I SPRANG TO MY FEET TO SEE WHAT THE ......
AND WHAT TO MY WONDERING EYES SHOULD SHOW UP,
      BUT EIGHT LOADED REINDEER HITCHED TO A BEER TRUCK.
WITH A LITTLE OLD DRIVER, WHO LOOKED LIKE A HICK,
      BUT I SAW IT WAS SANTA, GOOD OLD SAINT NICK.
STAGGERING ONWARD, THOSE EIGHT REINDEER CAME,
      WHILE HE HICCUPED AND BELCHED AS HE CALLED THEM BY NAME:



ON SCHENLEY! ON SEAGRAM! WE AIN'T GOT ALL NIGHT!
      YOU TOO, HAIG AND HAIG, AND YOU TOO, BLACK AND WHITE!
SCRAM UP TO THE ROOF, GET THE HECK OFF THIS WALL,
      GET GOING YOU DUMMIES, WE'VE GOT A LONG HAUL!
SO UPON THE ROOF WENT THE REINDEER AND TRUCK,
      BUT A TREE LIMB HIT SANTA BEFORE HE COULD DUCK!
AND THEN IN A TWINKLING, I HEARD FROM ABOVE
      A WHALE OF A NOISE THAT WAS NO COOING DOVE.



SO I PULLED IN MY HEAD AND COCKED A SHARP EAR,
      DOWN THE CHIMNEY HE PLUNGED, LANDING SMACK ON HIS REAR.
HE WAS DRESSED UP IN FURS, NO CUFFS ON HIS PANTS,
      AND THE WAY THE GUY SQUIRMED -- WELL, I GUESS HE HAD ANTS.
HE HAD PINTS AND QUARTS IN THE SACK ON HIS BACK,
      AND A BREATH THAT WOULD KNOCK A TRAIN OFF ITS TRACKS.
HE WAS CHUBBY AND PLUMP, AND HE TRIED TO STAND RIGHT,
      BUT HE DIDN'T FOOL ME; HE WAS HIGH AS A KITE.



HE SPOKE NOT A WORD, BUT WENT STRAIGHT TO WORK,
      AND MISSED HALF THE STOCKINGS, THE PLASTERED OLD JERK.
THEN PUTTING FIVE FINGERS TO THE END OF HIS NOSE,
      HE GAVE ME THE PEACE SIGN, AND UP THE CHIMNEY HE ROSE.
HE SPRANG FOR HIS TRUCK AT SO HASTY A PACE
      THAT HE TRIPPED ON A GABLE, AND SLID ON HIS FACE.
BUT I HEARD HIM BLURT BACK AS HE PASSED OUT OF SIGHT,
      MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU RUM-DUMS, NOW YOU CAN REALLY GET TIGHT.



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